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Princesas Disney: Si ellas tuvieran Mamás

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Princesas Disney: Si ellas tuvieran Mamás

Mensaje por Pequeño Pony el Lun Mayo 07, 2012 3:59 pm

Algún día lo voy a traducir, pero me morí de la risa!!! Así que, por mientras, publico esto en inglés, ya que el otro fin de semana celebraremos su día:

The Disney Princesses: If They'd Had Mothers
Princesas Disney: Si ellas tuvieran Mamás


Disney is an American icon but the next time your family snuggles up on the couch to watch the latest flick or strolls through Disneyland sipping on $7 bottles of water, "It's a Small World" beckoning in the distance, consider the fact that this company hates little girls.

Simply put, Disney wants to see your female child fail at life.

Why else would their animated motion pictures routinely feature a hot carefree but directionless 20-something (I want to see some I.D., some of these girls look like busty teens) whose ambitions for adventure are abruptly transformed into an obsession with a man she barely knows? Sounds like a douchebag's dream and every mother and father's worst nightmare.

Sex & The City was criticized for allegedly encouraging young women to be sex-obsessed, superficial fashion slaves but at least those ladies had jobs. I'd rather have my daughter be a credit-card-debt-Carrie or stick-up-her-ass-Miranda than an Ariel or Jasmine any day of the week.

For some time I believed that Disney hated mothers. Why else would they routinely kill them off before the opening credits? They I realized that the mother was just a necessary casualty. Could any of these women have made the horrible life choices they happily did if they'd had a mom to tell them the truth? Absolutely freaking not.

In this series entitled If They'd Had Mothers, we'll explore this further.

If They'd Had Mothers: Jasmine

Princess Jasmine runs into the lavishly decorated sun room where her mother is ordering rubies online. "Mom. I met someone," she squeals.

Jasmine's mother looks up from the screen with pity in her eyes and pats the cashmere cushion beside her, beckoning her young beauty to have a seat. "Your father told me."

With her hands clasped together excitedly, Jasmine sighs deeply before continuing, "I think we're in love...".

"You're in love with a homeless man who lives in an alley with his pet monkey?" She shakes her head.

Hot anger pumps through Jasmine's veins as she jumps up. "You never take anything I do seriously!"

"What have you done? You were sent home from boarding school for insolence, the tiger you insisted on having has killed three of our best servants...you think being a rich hottie of a Middle Eastern girl with an attitude makes you special? Visit the San Fernando Valley. Dime a dozen, honey. You need to work on the inside." With that she touches Jasmine's heart.

Jasmine bats her mother's hand away. "You don't know anything. He writes me music. We rode his magic carpet."

"You got high and sang a duet, big deal. I hope you were smart enough to use protection when you had sex in his rooftop shack because you probably have crabs now. Congratulations. Look, if you really want to play Barbarian Roulette with your inheritance and live with his mother, baby's mama, and four kids in your wing of the palace, that's up to you."

Suddenly the young woman is speechless.

Her mom continues, "That's right. I did some research. Homebody hasn't been straight up."

"But the genie said...".

"Genies lie, darling. But mother's don't. I love you and want to see you make something of your life."

"Aladdin said I could trust him..."

"First of all, his real name is Mubarak. Second, you've known him for a weekend. Get a grip."

Jasmine sinks down onto the couch. Big, hot tears begin to slide down her face making a puddle on her light blue transparent Hammer pants. She blows her nose into the hair of a waiting slave girl. "OK, what now?"

"First, we'll have him killed. Make an example. Then we get you the morning after pill."

Jasmine nods.

"Then, first thing tomorrow we're meeting with an academic counselor. No daughter of mine is going to grow up to be some crazy man's harem dummy/"goddess."

Jasmine throws her arms around her mother and they embrace. "Thanks mommy."

"Anything for you. By the way, we had Rajah put down last night."



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Re: Princesas Disney: Si ellas tuvieran Mamás

Mensaje por Pequeño Pony el Lun Mayo 07, 2012 4:10 pm

If Disney Princesses Had Mothers: Ariel
Si las Princesas Disney tuvieran Mamás: Ariel


If you read the first installment of The Disney Princesses: If They'd Had Mothers, you already know that the writers at Disney have a secret agenda: to turn daughters into ditzes. Today we're going to examine Princess Ariel of The Little Mermaid; the foxy redheaded daughter of King Triton.

The film never provides any explanation as to what happened to Mrs. Triton; perhaps in some kind of messy domestic dispute, she was banished, biblical Queen Vashti-style, to another part of the ocean. Maybe she was eaten alive by crabs. Nobody knows. What is clear is that King Triton was clearly overwhelmed at having to raise his 43 daughters and run a underwater kingdom. He lost control of Ariel and let her make terrible choices.

If They'd Had Mothers: Princess Ariel

Ariel spins and dances in her secret watery lair, surrounded by tchotchkies.

"I want to be, part of your wooooooorld..." she sings out.

"Ariel, what the hell is going on," Queen Tritona enters the room and surveys shelves and shelves of gadgets and gizmos.

Flounder, Ariel's fish companion, hides in a dark corner.

Ariel turns to her mother: "I want to be where the people are. I want to see, want to see them dancing." Her eyes are huge.

"Yes, I heard the song on the way in. Did you steal these things? Are you a hoarder?".

"Mom. I'm in love. His name is Prince Eric and he's wonderful, sweet, and --"

"He's human. Human, Ariel. Check behind your hair, do you see those gills? You can't breathe air. Do you want to die for this man?"

Ariel swims slowly toward the surface of the sea, illuminated by a beam of light.

"I would catch a grenade for him. Jump in front of a train for him."

"Would he do the same?"

"Mom, listen. I have a plan."

Ariel closes her eyes and smiles serenely.

"Cosmetic surgery is not a plan. It's a cry for help and a sign of desperation. No daughter of mine is going under the knife and splitting her fin for a man she spent a weekend with. How are you planning to pay for this?"

Ariel and Flounder exchange a nervous glance. "Well, Ursula and I made a deal...if I give her my voice-"

"Please sweet Jesus no. This is getting worse and worse."

"Mom, just listen! Oh my gosh you are so small-minded and prejudiced! It's 1989, we can be together. You know nothing about Eric! Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far, legs are required for jumping, dancing. I want more out of life! I want to be part of his world!"

Queen Tritona's voice grows low and serious. "What do you know about his world? You want to be up where they walk, up they run, up where they play all day in the sun? You think that's what they do? Yeah in kindergarten. Are you prepared to get a job? Do you know what kind of jobs they have for unskilled 20-year-olds with no papers? Yeah, you'll be strolling down those streets plenty. Mostly the corners."

"Eric said I don't have to get a job. He's a prince," Ariel retorts smugly.

"Dear Lord my daughter's a gold digger," Tritona whispers to herself. "Ariel, listen to me. I know you're bored. I know you want adventure. You don't think after two or three years Eric's castle will become a stagnant pond? Honey, you need help. You endangered your entire community and almost got your father killed because of your obsession with 'his world'".

Ariel bows her head and swallows hard.

"Honey, are you crying? I can't tell because we're surrounded by water...".

"Mom, I feel so bad about what I've done. I think I really do love him and so want to experience life up there," Ariel points with a decapitated starfish tip.

Queen Tritona gives her daughter a hug, "Ariel, you have nothing to worry about. 2012 will be here any day now and-".

"I just don't know if I can wait that long."

"You must. Do it for your family. And your community. Think beyond yourself. If he loves you now, he'll love you a year from now."

Ariel sighs deeply and nods. "You're right mom. I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly. I want to make it up to everyone. Tonight we feast. I want to offer Flounder as the main course."

Flounder trembles and attempts a fast getaway but is quickly apprehended by Sebastian who in three quick waves of his crab-hands fillets the fish in a cloud of blood.

"Thank you, mommy. You saved me."

The mother and daughter embrace again. "That's my job, honey. That's my job"



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Al final, no es TAN descabellado que sea un pirata...

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Re: Princesas Disney: Si ellas tuvieran Mamás

Mensaje por Pequeño Pony el Lun Mayo 07, 2012 4:15 pm

If Disney Princesses Had Mothers: Belle
Si las Princesas Disney tuvieran Mamás: Bella


We've tackled Jasmine and Ariel but if there were ever a Disney Princess that needed an intervention, it would be Belle. When I watched this film as an adult, what stood out to me weren't the adorable songs ("Be Our Guest" is off the hook) or her ridiculously large, ill-fitting yellow dress; it was that her situation is extremely tragic.

Allow me to summarize. Smart young French girl lives in a "provincial" village where she seems to be the only literate citizen. Girl's father is emotionally unavailable and seems to be a bit A Beautiful Mind if you ask me. Due to unforeseen circumstances, girl finds herself being held against her will by the town's beast. She works through her fear of being eaten or mauled by her captor, develops a classic case of Stockholm syndrome which in her eyes turns the beast into a sexy prince.

2011 version: 18-year-old girl with a library card and too much free time feels like she's better than everyone around her. After months of emo-ing out to My Chemical Romance and chatting with random men on AIM, she decided to meet up with a lovely gentlemen from Riverside, California who lives in an impressive McMansion. Turns out that her To Catch a Predator candidate isn't really a 28-year-old Starbuck's manager with a BMW. He's a 45-year-old two-time felon with abusive tendencies and a fondness for domestic beer. After a few months of being kept prisoner in his home (he does, however, provide pretty Forever 21 dresses), girl starts to have feelings for her "boyfriend" and he feels comfortable enough to remove her ankle restraint.

I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I'm 100% convinced that Disney gathers plot ideas from ex-cons.

What if Belle had a mother? Let's explore.

If The Disney Princesses Had Mothers: Belle

Bell's mother knocks on the massive oak door of the Beasts' mansion. She hears footsteps skipping to the door. It opens.

Belle smiles brightly. "Hi mom! What are you doing here?"

"Are you serious? You've been kidnapped." Bell's mom pushes her way past her daughter and scans the foyer. "Where's the bastard?" She cocks her shotgun.

"NO MOM! What are you doing!!" Belle pushes the gun down, tears streaming down her face. "The Beast is taking his afternoon nap! Why don't you join us for dinner? We're having a nice Chianti, fava beans and I don't know what else."

Belle's mother begins stealthily making her way up the winding staircase with Belle stumbling after her.

"Mom, I haven't been kidnapped! We're in love, he loves me."

Belle's mother turns around and lowers her gun. "You were snatched up and you've been drugged. Stand down."

"Mom, please sit." Belle tries to catch her breath as she lowers herself on a marble step.

Suddenly worried about the physical state of her daughter, Belle's mother sits beside her.

"We need to act fast if we're going to get you out of here."

Belle takes her mom's hand. "You don't understand. No, I didn't want to be here in the beginning, I saw him as the beast that the whole village does but my love has changed him. It's like Rhianna always says-"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence. This is not a relationship."

"You don't know us. Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano-"

"Please stop talking..."

"What I'm trying to say is that he was only a beast because this witch before me made him that way. Living here as his prisoner has allowed me to see the real prince beneath his claws, abnormally large canines, and horrifying temperament..."

"When we get home you're going to Tyra Banks' camp for girls with low self-esteem."

"I do love camp," Belle takes a deep breath, preparing for a song, but her mother puts a finger over her lips. "What will happen to the Beast?"

"Your father and I are taking him out to the country... to a farm where he can run free with other beasts. He'll Skype you every night."

Belle stands and twirls on the steps. "That sounds WONDERFUL!"

Belle's mother continues her ascent up the steps. "Now let me just go tell him. You wait for me on the horse with your hands over your ears."

Belle hugs her mother and sighs deeply. "I can't wait to get my highlights redone." She runs out the door, stopping briefly to kiss a pot, pan, and clock. Her mother shakes her head and grows cold with fury.

Belle was singing so loudly outside that she didn't hear the gunshot. After a few months at Camp Tyra she climbed the ranks quickly and is now a lead supervisor. Belle's mother is an occasional guest on The Oprah Winfrey show.



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Re: Princesas Disney: Si ellas tuvieran Mamás

Mensaje por Pequeño Pony el Lun Mayo 07, 2012 4:27 pm

Hasta aqui llegan, pero igual agrego las otras portadas, sólo para completar la colección:


Bonus Track: Los consejos de las princesas respecto a las citas:

22. ¡Buen viaje! No temas abandonar tus amigos, familia y todo tu estilo de vida en tu primera cita, incluso si el amor de tu futuro maridito está grandemente predicado estrictamente en tus dotes para cantar!

23. Una fría, terrorífica bestia (literalmente!) que tiene a tu padre como prisionero es justamente el Príncipe que aún no habías conocido!

24. "Él sólo está mintiendo sobre su quién él es en realidad porque piensa que eres superficial y poco profunda. AMALO POR ELLO."

25. VESTIDA PARA IMPRESIONAR! A los príncipes les gustan mujeres en dolorosos, elaborados y costosos trajes. Este es el hombre de sus sueños, probablemente. ¡No te atrevas a economizar!

26. NO HAY NADA DE MALO en besar chicas mientras ellas están inconscientes.



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